Experience is School; Language not required

A lot of changes happened.

The same energy that drove me out of school also drove me out of IL.

You can mentally destroy anyone just by having enough people create similar thoughts at the same exact time.  It’s so powerful that it would just be better for those same people to focus collective thoughts toward some better future instead of a skinny 25 year old.

I got that same feeling - my head was burning.  It was so bad i took it out on my family.  I hit my sister, my brother even my mom and i broke a lot of furniture.

The next morning, early, i walked out and left a note.  I walked toward the train, stopped at the local mosque, prayed in the male section for the morning prayer.

things drop, something i have to pay attention to.

I reach chicago, the bus doesn’t leave til later in the day - I go to my old school one last time (UIC); i stop at a starbucks, the wall has a painting, speak softly
people will listen

take your time
the world is waiting

(3/31)

I went to the internet user experience conference in michigan - that was a good excuse for me to leave - i met a lot of great people and spent 1 night studying in the wayne state library - I head for new york.

I saw this documentary about this rapper guy from chicago, when he did not have a place to stay he’d just ride the trains all night… I did the same for the 1st 2 nights - just walking around with 2 heavy bags, not really sleeping, but not really sleepy.

I saw a lot of people, had a lot of experiences and learned a lot of things.

New York life is hard; it felt like a warzone being at that level - i had money but couldn’t find a place - I was in defense mode making sure i wont get hurt…i wanted to leave sunday… something told me to stay and not be such a wimp…

I was thinking i could get a membership at a gym so i can use a locker and the bathroom and then ride the trains or find this shelter to stay (but pay anyway)… Sunday morning i end up in front of a dunkin donuts, right before it opens, and there i meet someone as part of this experience.

He hears my story and is in disbelief thinking i must be crazy (for walking around) but then saying that he wished he was a little like that.  I start feeling bad, so i use my atm to get 20 bucks so i can use a taxi for now.  I was intending to use the 20 bucks so i can find a place with free wi-fi for my eee pc labtop or finding that gym i liked.

Those 1st 2 days nothing worked right and i even went to new jersey by rutgers university - did my laundry there; ate at a hispanic mom-pop shop; saw the people but then left…

But then Christian (Chris) offered me coffee (i didnt want to accept, he said i was too proud, so i accepted eventually) and said there is a house  in queens that is much cheaper.  He asked if i was part of some mafia or if i might be some killer - I said no.

The house feels like something from a reality show - there’s a 70 something father who has 2 cancers, his kids and grandkids come over sometimes.  There’s a 25 yr old girl with her son, and 2 artists that always have people over and are always doing artsy things.

All i did was walk around, came upon a hindu temple - i want to learn hindi … the guru makes it easy to understand… it was 9 nights last week… when he wasn’t there, the magic was gone - i started to appreciate his presence… he explains things clearly…

I was thinking of these religions… it seems like they have many gods… but i see stories and representations of godly characteristics… and using thoughts and energies to achieve those characteristics or make your energies align with higher energies…

From the arabic quran there are 99 names of ‘God’ - one can say there are 99 gods…  but it’s something where you focus on one attribute to allow that energy flow to come into your life.

I don’t know what God is… I don’t feel right specifying this power to one label or box… maybe it is something more… maybe the whole network around us and the power within us can be the source…

There was a story about a lady that wanted her child to have the spirit of the God  (if i remember right - Vishnu?)… the story seemed similar to Mary and Jesus… and there was a special day (monday) about how this being is coming back… kind of like how people think Jesus will come back (but i believe he was always back - he was always alive)…

The first day i came here to the house i had marijuana and ecstasy -

The 20 dollars i intended for a taxi…. was used for the ecstasy…. I was intending one reality to be created… but some how another reality arose due to the intentions/needs of the people involved…

the marijuana does nothing for me - maybe made me more talkative… the other drug did have a different feel - but i had better feelings from other experiences….

Will (the son) said that without drugs he would not be able to handle life or something… that was one of the first times i met him… i see so much suffering and need for healing in new york… it’s been 2 weeks and the friends i made have also improved in some way… while i was here some parts of the house got cleaned up, and it’s noticeable that Jim is getting better from his cancer…

I told chris about energies and letting things go to heal… so many times i wanted to leave this situation that i somehow got into… but somehow i stayed… i can never go back to chicago… even when Muhammad was driven out of mecca, he never came back until he created some kind of abundance for people to accept him…

I don’t feel there is any more growth for me there… so i was forced to leave… This place felt like a school… like some sort of dynamic, interactive virtual school but with our bodies… I hated this school, but understood i had to accept it…. My intentions were to find a way to create abundance… And the other people here created intentions… it was like we were attracted to each other…

I see the talents of these people… and maybe some sort of team will be formed… on my way here i met 3 people.

A jesus lover handed me something while i was looking at the news report on the anniversary of the passing of MLK (at bus stop).

I speak to him and he says that he sees that i will glorify jesus with my work.

A hispanic guy from texas looking for a better life said that he could see me teaching and showing people how to make millions of dollars after i told him about social media, networking, globalization and open-communication.

I meet this 3rd guy (4/4) on our way to New York, he is a baby boomer, he was studying to be a rabbi in a past life - but did not like the strict rules…

he tells me about how you can access any library on the net like harvard, etc…. he sends me this love letter:

Darling Eternal Sweetheart, Iram Sana,

I arrived at McAllen Texas on April 7. You look very very Beautiful and very very Lovely and very very Noble. And I do feel very very deep love and very very deep respect for you. I was an Elementary School Teacher in New York City. Now, I’m presently living and studying medicine in Mexico. I plan to work as a Family Physician in the U.S.A. in the future. Many many tender hugs and many many tender kisses to you the Eternal Miss Universe of my dreams. Avi. (april 12th)

I go to the hindu temple… i want to learn… but i don’t like rules … But to learn i have to call my self that way… so that i can mentally be open to accept and learn things…

It’s hard to be open to things when you are reluctant to believe in certain ideas… so i when i go there, i tell myself i am hindu… so i can learn…

I bought shoes cuz my feet hurt from walking… on sunday i go to a catholic church … and see a bunch of war hero grave site…. I was walking through that landscape…

And was thinking how each tombstone is just a representation… And names are what divide us… language is what divides us…

I was taught that humans learned language… and angels did not know this (quran)…. This language - to create names for things, create stories, create labels - have created division…

But when the language is stripped away - the experience is all the same… everything really is energy and focusing energy to a certain direction or source and communicating energies…

I begin to understand that language really is a barrier… even within 1 language… if there are different stories… that can create division…

But if it’s understood… that the experience is the same… regardless of language or story… then that can build bridges…

I go to this church… it’s kind of like in the borat movie… where everyone is excited and praising Jesus and standing/shaking… and 2 ladies use that energy to communicate with jesus and higher energy levels to help me… i start to cry…

At the end of the service… a hispanic guy, Jesus but pronounced Hay-soos, goes up to the microphone and says that he got a message from the holy spirit that someone has a secret and will not reach a higher level until that secret is revealed…

I start thinkin what if i have to tell everything to my parents?  Later i learn my family still wont handle it… they may create energies to stop this flow…

This man says that the holy spirit informed him… When I get info i say a thought came to me (i don’t know where the thought is from)… the experience is exactly the same - yet the language is different…

Sometime last week i find a mosque - I go in, and they kick me out when they see me…. I say people are suffering, doing drugs/alcohol… is this building for you or for Allah?

It may have been a misunderstanding, because some equipment was stolen earlier.

Mostly males go to that mosque… but if the doors were open to everyone and people could learn from this other way… it would be more beneficial and might be a requirement to ensure our survival…

By wednesday… I prayed with the males for the morning prayer… I just got up and something/one told me to go…

By friday… i prayed the special friday prayer alongside males… I was right next to a young boy and little girl… it just happened… I’d go in, just sit around as if i was doin nothing… i found a book on hassan al banna (islamic movement hero)… and started reading it… when everyone gets up to pray… i just sit there…. they are looking at me… the prayer starts… then i get up in that last moment… and get out quickly…

I feel lucky… i never force anything to happen… it is just allowed to happen….

I left the book there… so when they see that name and what that man did… at least they can see that i am trying to do something similar…

I go with my shoes on hand to the park… and see kids playing….

Maybe if everything gets equalized… everyone will act like those kids… just meshing and mixing with each other and learning together…

That same wednesday… i go for a walk… i start speeding up for some reason… then i start running…. i felt like i was a machine… losing feeling for people… not as distracted by images/sites as usual…but highly focused… I was imagining what if we develop like that one day… where we are so focused that we don’t even have to go to the bathroom or get distracted by everything around us…

i read about heaven where no one creates waste and where no one gets intoxicated by drugs or alcohol (their bodies and minds are evolved)…

I reach to this park… this black teenaged girl invites me to play tag… i say sure… she is it, so she tries to chase me, the teenaged boy and this younger boy…  eventually the boy falls from the play-gym  (3-4 feet above ground) to the  ground…

My first reaction was ‘oh shit!’

Then i go up to him and place my hands on his head trying to create thoughts (or prayers) to heal him… I ask him for his name, he doesn’t answer… I ask again… his friend answers:

Her name is Mike… then i realize… it’s a girl…

She repeatedly says HER name is Mike… but the girl never admitted it to me…

Then I’m shocked… I sit in the bench as the girl kisses Mike’s head…

What kind of culture have we created? i think… where the roles of girls are so limited that they have to become guys?  The rules in place create the enslavement and tension that can lead to any kind of behavior to have some freedom…  The behavior isn’t wrong… it’s the mindsets that created the inferior culture that led to that behavior as a byproduct…

and the girl who was kissing mike… she must have been the best one to understand her pain and was there just to give love….

But she kept on saying HER name is mike…. as if she wanted me to know the truth… yet mike was too ashamed after i touched her head to say that truth…

Then I leave… I’ve seen a lot of same-gender affection while i was here… girls embracing girls for a long duration or talking and touching each others faces with their hands…

even on my last day in chicago… this guy was asking me to donate for this fund for gay rights…

These people always come in front of me… as if i’m supposed to try to understand something….

personally i think that in heaven you can do whatever you like… so i don’t feel right to say anything is wrong… it’s more about priorities and focusing on the most crucial problem first… And as people get elevated or mindsets change… people might behave differently also….

Chris asked me why this whole saving the world and creating better realities is always on my mind… and I said… I don’t feel right wasting even one second if it means someone else is suffering…

I feel like people should do what they want… but there is a necessity for people to heal in certain ways, also… And something that is necessary should be worked on with greater priority than something just for self…

I told Chris that I do not believe in marriage or roles of girlfriend or boyfriend.  I just believe in experiences.  Each experience carries you to a new experience and new development.

I do not even believe in roles of father, mother, brother or sister.  I see those roles also create enslavement if one forgets of the higher roles to reach a destiny that can benefit humanity.

I was realizing I’m glad that i had few friends and came from a dysfunctional family… that way it is easier for me to detach… cuz there was nothing that i was really attached to in the first place…

I tell people, if they ask, that my parents are muslim and I am just a seeker.  Plus, I don’t feel like calling myself by any name when what i do is not understandable.

I do it for the experience and to create the best story.

We live by stories.  If I can create the best story, based on my circumstances, that will help someone else create an even better story.

If everyone did that… we might have a better reality(ies).

I still think sometimes to leave… and fear that there will be a time that maybe people will find out who i am and might not like something and then create those negative-head-burning energies… that will drive me away…

But i feel like i am learning and this virtual reality school (while in my body) is preparing me for some higher development.

Thursday night, i go to the hindu temple to learn hindi, i come in right when they have this prayer thing (i learned earlier you are not supposed to get up during pooja - maybe because it interferes/messes up with the collective intention created and people lose focus)…

they gave the kids flower petals, there was a fire in the center… we threw the petals … but it went on the fire and the fire died out…. the pandit said we were not supposed to do throw it on the fire but around it… i started laughing (i was crying while they were singing - i didn’t understand the words - but just experiencing… how i came right when they started their intentions… everyone has a plan… yet somehow i just show up at the right times… maybe it’s not a plan… maybe it’s just stepping into worlds at specific moments to learn something…. for _____?)

So i started laughing… they give free food too for the students…

I get some extra food - i really don’t want it… even carrying the food feels like a burden… i just want to relinquish it to someone else… i walk by another islamic dawah (eduational) center and then a small, storefront church…

they have a saying with Sana… i learned Sana meant healing… i go in and they are singing in spanish and playing some hispanic instruments… there’s only a handful of people…

I play one of the instruments… a lady hands me a paper on jesus… how a connection with him can keep you elevated…. and that that is the only connection for elevation….

i think there has to be more than one connection… but maybe that particular connection is one of the better ones… or maybe we should evolve in such a way where all of our connections have equal power…

I offer the food i got from the hindu temple… something drops… (signal to pay attention)… It was the lady and some kids in the back of the room while the adults were listening to a sermon…. she acts like she doesn’t need it but i sense like they need it… I try to make it look like i was sharing and not donating any food… so i have a little bit and eat it…

I walk out… and think again of all these languages and stories and buildings… it’s all the same experience… the same power… the same energy… it all is energy if you really break it down… purer thoughts, collectively created, create more powerful energy…

These stories divided us… yet the people all suffer the same… the stories give some kind of hope so people won’t go crazy…

People are struggling but no one wants to admit or show it… People are in desperation some times, yet they will not ask for help… they have their dignity and pride….

The language and buildings and stories block people from reaching out to other people… friendships never happen…. people don’t learn from the good of others…. language really is a barrier… but the experiences are the same…

I cry sometimes then a funny experience comes to mind right away… like the experience of me throwing petals to stop the fire… i started laughing because it was something that we weren’t supposed to do…

Then i was thinking…. about my brother…when he sees one of us sad or angry he does the same… he right away comes up with a funny joke…. so the focus stays on something positive…

maybe whatever was present… understood… and sent a thought to make me laugh…. i was focused on something negative and all of a sudden out of nowhere i remember something funny that changes my focus… (without creating the intention)…

Friday before i go to that congregational collective thought creation…. this spiritual psychic stops me… she had the gift since she was 3… she’s the gift in her son also…

She said i had low self esteem and was hurt… she told me to stop crying… i told her people don’t accept me…. she says she notices that i like girls… i said yes i love girls and guys… like jesus…. i keep thinking is this being bisexual or is this something else?… where as you develop form doesn’t matter… the outer is temporary… and formless is more visible and more important…. sometimes i remind my self… about the formless so i can forget about the form…

She told me to light a candle and gave me bath salts representing love and peace… she said that the negative of others can get into your aura and you can lose faith… she says i smile but have pain… she’s my heart was broken or someone hurt me… she asked who hurt me… i said i didn’t know… maybe i didn’t realize it that far… or maybe she (Crystal) doesn’t realize it that far…

She said she was going to the church for me for 9 days/nights to find out what i wrong… each day or night to represent the 9 months in the womb.

I told her i can just tell her what happened… she said she wanted to find out for herself to see what is revealed to her…

I asked her how she does it… she says just pray… prayer is important (creating a style of thought)… I asked if she will communicate with jesus to gain some of his insights (kind of like how we communicate with cell phones/email)… she said that is part of the prayer…

I told Chris my whole story up to the point about me thinking i was getting married and jerusalem…

I even said there is a way to send love like ecstasy but better… he doesn’t believe it…  he thinks i’m crazy a bit, and sometimes scared… he asked me if i would stab him or something…. i said no, my only intention is to create abundance… but he’s says i’m too smart to care about those people that ostracized me….

There are 2 copies of the scarlet letter here… a book about a lady that goes against norms in a relationship and she is ostracized and labeled… sometimes I worry that that may also happen to me if people get the facts but do not understand the intentions or the story that i am trying to create that can benefit the most people (in mainstream)….

My only main intention now is to figure out how to create abundance.  I have certain skills and i see a team potentially in place.